


Dark Thoughts

by amyfortuna



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 1980s, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-01-08
Updated: 2002-01-08
Packaged: 2017-10-29 04:53:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/316039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amyfortuna/pseuds/amyfortuna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus reflects on his lover after Sirius is captured.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dark Thoughts

I don't know who or what to believe. I've read all the reports, heard the news, received owls from so-called friends gloating over his downfall, been questioned by the Ministry -- and I don't know who to trust.

Can the gentle being who held me all those nights when I suffered through my transformations be an ally of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? Can Sirius, my star, be a killer? Can the sweet soul who made himself my dearest friend and lover, who broke down all the defenses I'd set up around myself, who knows more than potions can tell about hearts -- can he have betrayed James and Lily?

All the evidence says yes. All my heart says no.

My hands grow cold when the darkness of my monthly transformation comes upon me now. Instead of almost looking forward to the nights we'd lie together, two beasts curled up in our mutual warmth, I fear the terror of the emotions that surge through me, I fear the violence I will inflict upon my own body.

I don't know what to do. I am lost here in my own thoughts, broken by the simple drift of the loss of your presence. They will send you to Azkaban -- and I won't even get to say goodbye.

Will the lips of the dementors touch yours, sucking out your heart? Will you be violated by the mouths of evil, clutching greedily at every spark of delight in your soul? Will the lips you promised to me alone be raped by these true creatures of darkness and fear?

Oh, Sirius, I cannot believe you have done what they say you have. My mind won't take it in, no matter the evidence -- my friends gone, two of them dead, the other, my lover, as good as. I don't know what to say or do, I don't know why it's me that survived this crushing of all our lives.

Sirius, this one thing I know -- innocent or guilty, I still love you. And I know you as the man who gave himself to me, who rescued me when my life was in tatters. I will never betray you.


End file.
